Instant Message From GOD

I'm going to begin the new year by resurrecting a movie from 1977 filled with simple spiritual truths: Oh, God! starring George Burns and John Denver. What follows is the initial encounter Jerry has with God, as it might have looked as an instant message.

[GOD]: How often do u talk with God?
[gentle]: Practically never. How do I kno ur God? Afterall, there r folks pretending 2 b just about anybody or anything on here.
[GOD]: Well, sorry, ur not allowed to c me.
[gentle]: Ynot?
[GOD]: Bcuz.
[gentle]: That's no answer.
[GOD]: Sue me.
[GOD]: Just relax. Do u smoke?
[gentle]: I don't.
[GOD]: Good. Tobacco is 1 of my big mistakes.
[gentle]: Mistake?
[GOD]: u try. Ostriches were a mistake. Silly looking things. Avocados, made the pit too big. Like I said, u try.
[gentle]: btw, you spelled "interview" wrong on ur email.
[GOD]: Give me a break. I got a few things right. I put summer b4 winter, didn't I?
[gentle]: How come ur talking 2 me here anywho?
[GOD]: Empathy. I'm talking 2 u in a way u can accept. I'm relating. I don't like 2 brag but if I appeared 2 u just as GOD, how I really am, what I really am, ur mind couldn't grasp it.
[gentle]: Look. I think uve made a mistake. I'm not even religious.
[GOD]: That's why I'm talking to u. 2 many non-believers!
[gentle]: But I read an article. Religion is on the upswing. Check out all the xangas about u - ronlawhouston, trimtab, laleocafe, pilgrim. Y TheTheologian'sCafe has hundreds of visits each day!!!
[GOD]: Row, row, row ur boat. Religion is easy. I'm talking about faith. Ur going 2 help me change that.
[gentle]: Me? I don't belong 2 any church!
[GOD]: Neither do I. I want you to spread the word.
[gentle]: Me? Spread what word?
[GOD]: That I am. I exist. That we've spoken.
[gentle]: U want me 2 tell ppl that I've spoken 2 God?
[GOD]: Yes.
[gentle]: They'll put me away.
[GOD]: I'm tired of all the talk that I may be dead or that I never was at all or that I'm just particles of cosmos. Gas. I'm NOT gas. I found that uber insulting.
[gentle]: Do u actually xpect ppl 2 believe me?.
[GOD]: That's ur job.
[gentle]: But I'm just a man. I'm no Moses.
[GOD]: What was Moses? U think Moses was born on page 1? Moses was just a messenger. My messenger.
[gentle]: But ppl r going to think I'm some kind of nut case. Is that the kind of God u r? How come u don't just chat with everybody all at once?
[GOD]: It's a policy of mine. I try not to work with more than 1 savior at a time.
[gentle]: Savior...me?
[GOD]: U do ur job right.
[gentle]: I can't take this job. I don't believe.
[GOD]: I kno, I kno... but even non-believers want what they've got down here 2 work.
[gentle]: Well have u read the papers lately? Tsunamis, hurricanes, terrorism. It ain't working!
[GOD]: That's y I came. 2 tell all my peeps I set the world up so it can work. Only it's up 2 u. U can't look 2 me 2 do it 4 u.
[gentle]: No. No.
[GOD]: U can do it! It's only 1 message. Moses had to handle ten.
[gentle]: But u gave him tablets!
[GOD]: He had a bad memory.
[gentle]: Well I need something.
[GOD]: What kind of something?
[gentle]: I don't kno. nething. A message on DVD? a webcast?
[GOD]: Wouldn't work. It's very, very complicated. It's like, u kno how Dracula can't see himself in a mirror? It's along those lines.
[gentle]: But, I mean if ppl could just c u or hear ur voice.
[GOD]: I'm talking all the time but ppl don't hear my voice. I'm talking with u like this so u can understand me.
[gentle]: Understand? I don't understand nething!
[GOD]: Well, that's a beginning. TTYL.
[gentle]: Hey, hold on. Don't go yet.
[GOD]: Gotta go. Now b careful where u go on this web thingy. We can't afford any trojan attack. I need u down here!

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