Values - Part 3

So we face the reality that people in partnerships or community experience problems because of a disparity of values. We acknowledge that we are dealing with the reality that to hold something as a value presupposes its non-negotiable status and that no value can be applied universally. This is the stuff that has and continues to fuel discord between peoples and nations. It appears we stand in the face of an unresolvable problem.

Certainly God could solve the dilemma with a single brush stroke by doing away with free will and imposing universal divine values as a condition for the gift of life. But that is not God's way of doing business with us. As beings who reflect God's image and likeness, he has given us the capability of either uniting together under a set of commonly held values or to self-destruct in their absence. We seem to be doing a better job of the latter.

I believe that a big part of the problem is that most people fail to reflect on what they value. Too much of life is spent neither aware of nor in harmony with our values. Instead we blindly follow after our urges and impulses, mistaking them for values.

There is a simple, grassroots solution. In homes all over the world families need to prayerfully reflect on and name the values that identify them. Conscious and conscientious effort on the part of all family members to find ways to live out their values should become an integral part of the daily routine. We need to transform our busy body character so that rather than doing much, we do what we do well. Once this framework is in place, then people entering into partnerships (relationships) and community will begin to recognize that the same values drive us all.

What values identify you and your family? How do the individual members of your family embody these values in their day-to-day activities?

Values - Part 2

While values may exist that arguably could be applied to various groups or communities of people (as is the case in some religions, governments, cults or gangs), none appear to be truly universal. Values are essentially determined by the individual based upon whatever perceptive criteria the person has decided, freely or otherwise, to embrace.

Aren't all differences between religions, governments or partners in relationships ultimately an expression of incongruous values? This fact emphasizes how essential the need is to blend or bridge values as a means of bringing peoples together and restoring hope.

How to go about that task poses a conundrum. Something does not become a value unless the willingness to compromise it is removed from the table. How, no, can this problem be solved?

Values

If your life unexpectedly ended this very moment, how would you feel about the life you left behind? Would you be able to look back without regret saying that you enjoyed a happy life, that you did the things that were important to you, that you had the opportunities you needed to love and be loved? Could you say you had the chance to fulfill some of your dreams, that your being here made a difference, that you are leaving behind something of you that will live on?

Prayerfully considering these questions brings us in touch with what we most value. Values may change as we progress through life. A young adult setting out to claim the rest of her life following school may value investments to build equity and lead to financial security. The thirysomething person caught in what is perceived as a deadend job may be willing to risk security to pursue changes that heighten the potential for career success or fulfillment while opportunities and options are still available to him. The fiftysomething or older person who recognizes that more days lie in her wake than lay before her, that realize that no material possession will be of use when life reaches its end, will instead treasure memories and value experiences.

Making the most of the present moment is not possible without knowing what it is we most value. Where are your values? Have they changed as your life has progressed? Can you think of an instance where knowing what you value helped you to make a wise life choice?

Crying - Part 4

So crying is the purest, most authentic human spiritual experience. Some people are more comfortable with crying than others are. Because crying represents the moment where the limits of human potential or capability are reached and the divine must take over, the ego's need to be in control will not permit such surrender for some. These people are driven by the illusory desire to be the masters of their own destiny. Conventional wisdom and spiritual maturity both teach how deceptive and fruitless such a view can be.

Although my focus has been on crying associated with brokenness or despair, they are not the exclusive domain of our cries. Another moment in the crying of the soul is gratitude. My beloved's acceptance of a marriage proposal, the birth of a child, the unconditional love that animates a family member's comforting hug, the hope and promise of a spectacular sunrise or the utter splendor of a breath taking sunset, the elation over unexpected good fortune - these can all become the occasion for the soul's giving voice to gratitude through our tears.

Can you think of a moment in your own life where your crying were tears of gratitude?

Crying - Part 3

How do we respond to the cries of others? If God hears our crying, do we hear the cries of each other? We may look at someone crying and think to ourselves they are being too self-absorbed. They are playing the victim.

"We cannot change what happens to us but we can change how we choose to perceive it or let it affect us," we say. But is this really a healthy approach or just a convenient way for the non-victim to turn a deaf ear to their cries, to not have to deal with the victim's pain or suffering? There are many who continue to cry long after being victimized for no other reason than they lacked a safe, loving and supportive place in which to cry.

Most would see it as absurd to forego any medical intervention for our serious physical ills. In order to heal physically, we must listen to and feel what our body is telling us and respond with appropriate treatment. Changing the way we face physical illness may help us cope, but alone will not heal. Yet we continue to approach emotional difficulties as if they are guided by a different set of principles.

We cannot get over anything when, out of guilt that we have played the victim card too long , we bury our hurt deep within us. It doesn't go away. If instead of having our cry and having our cries heard we have buried our pain or suffering, it will resurface in maladaptive ways. We need to cry and have our cries heard in order to experience their renewing, healing benefits.

Crying - con't

Boys aren't supposed to cry. So goes an unwritten rule that is enforced in many a household. President Ronald Reagan, the Gipper known for his John Wayne personna, began a slow cultural shift in the 1980s when he showed that it was okay for a grown man to cry in public.

When we exert ourselves physically, sweat is produced which cools the body's temperature down. Perhaps similarly when the soul cries, tears are produced which also possess a refreshing quality. In the throws of despair, a cry from the soul brings forth a deep, inward peace.

Though it may sound strange, there is more than one way to cry. I was blown away by a counselor's insight a few years back that in my frequent laughter she felt I was really crying. Her observation had a poignancy to it for at the time, despite any outward appearance, I was indeed quite inwardly broken by many things going on in my life. Perhaps that is why we can claim that God hears our cries for there is no way to mask them.

Crying

Out of the depths I cry unto you, O Lord.
O Lord, hear my prayer and let my cry come unto you.

Perhaps there is no purer spiritual experience than that of crying. While disciplines exist as paths to enlightenment and religions carve out paths to salvation, crying is the very voice of the human soul. It's presence is a surrender to the limits of human experience. God is God and we are not and cannot.

When confronted by circumstances that take us to the outermost stretches of human limitation where only God can claim control, our cry is an often desperate bow to faith. It is the only moment in our lives where we recognize and accept, however reluctantly, that we are not in control. Crying places us before God with hands outstretched and palms up to receive that which we are incapable of attaining on our own.

Comfort Zones

I think relationship difficulties (person-to-person or group-to-group) reflect differences in comfort zones. Admittedly I have a wide comfort zone and I have an instinctual tendency to resist being boxed in in any way. I look forward to waking up every day to a truly new day unlike any that has gone before it. I hunger for new discoveries, both within myself and the world about me. For me if life is reduced to repeating predictable patterns, then I don't feel like I have a life at all.

My wife has a very narrow comfort zone. Unfortunately for her the things that made up that narrow comfort zone don't even exist for her any more. Gone is the little boy that she single parented - he is now 27. Gone is the job that allowed her to provide well for her son and her while she was raising him - she is now disabled and medically retired from her job after 17 years working 3rd shift in a cereal factory. Gone is the person that was always in control and exercising from power - she is now a lost and empty shell battling a myriad of mental disorders (diagnosed bipolar, then borderline, then obsessive-compulsive and now major depression) on the crest of every psychotropic medication ever produced. She knows neither how to nor does she wish to survive outside her narrow comfort zone. Her anger makes its ugly way to the surface and bearing the brunt of it are my kids.

Perhaps it is because she has lost so much of her comfort zone that she lives such a narrow and rigid life. There are only a few places she will go out to eat at and when she does she will always order the same thing - a grilled chicken sandwich. She has never cooked - that role has always rested with me - but she is not interested in trying new things. Sometimes I think she is more finicky than my two kids.

The house we live in was her house. She wanted me to give up mine even though we would have found ourselves more financially secure. I can understand wanting to live in your home and can understand the urgency for her as she tries to cling to the only thing that is left from her narrow comfort zone - memories.

How do you or is it even possible to reconcile such radical differences in comfort zones?

© Copyright 2006 gentlefootprint. All Rights Reserved.

Spring Scatter

First. let me express heartfelt thanks and appreciation for the many heartfelt responses to my last post on deliverance. There is certainly a great bunch of folks here at xanga and I treasure being a small part of it. A quick scan of what you all had to offer made me realize I was in the presence of the holy and I felt the urge to remove the sandals from my feet for I found myself on holy ground. I will be revisiting all that was said for a long time to come for in your words I have found a well from which I can draw comfort and encouragement.

The kids are on spring break and, because my wife has unusual (to me) sensitivities about what is acceptible or appropriate with respect to her german shepherd Zack and lab Shadow, we are off this afternoon to spend a few days in a hotel... on the other side of town. The place has a heated indoor pool that, along with a bunch of board games, will give them an experience to cherish. I'm looking forward to the free wireless internet to test out my new laptop after everyone else has gone to sleep for the night...

© Copyright 2006 gentlefootprint. All Rights Reserved.

Deliverance

When times become difficult or unbearable, from despair springs forth hope that leads us to seek out deliverance from the circumstances creating our adversity or ills. Characteristic throughout Judeo-Christian history is an expectation that either someone will rise up or else God himself will intervene to right the wrongs, bring justice or restore peace. The danger in this cultural conditioning, however, is that when someone or something doesn't emerge to deliver us, we are left irreparably damaged or debilitated by the despair.

We haven't fully grasped an appreciation of the power of personal intention and responsibility. People aren't prone to think of budging from the ground on which we they so comfortably, yet at times desparately, are perched. Folks don't like to venture outside of the box to question methods and attitudes in order to make the changes necessary to deliver themselves.

I find myself in a toxic marriage from which I frequently cry out for deliverance. I carry this attitude that if I can just tough it out things have to turn around and get better... At least things can't seemingly get any worse. It is wrong, however, to stand by waiting for some kind of outside magic that will renew a relationship that burdens every member of the family. The accompanying despair is depression that keeps my wife in bed all day and wreaks havoc with my physical health. The situation takes an unknown toll on my kids in addition to the heightened anxiety in which they uninvitedly find themselves in. It's definitely time (admittedly long overdue) for me to respond from the perspective of personal intention and responsibility to bring about my own deliverance.

From what personal despair do you seek deliverance? Have you clung to the hope that someone or something would magically deliver you? What can you change to bring about your own deliverance?