A Catholic friend messaged me the other day with questions that led to a reflection worthy of a post. She had taken advantage of a lull in her work as a library clerk assisting students with their research to, thinking of me, do her own research on married priests. She asked:
1. Having never renounced my vows, do I still get to be a priest?
2. Do I still celebrate mass?
3. Do I celebrate private weddings for couples?
4. Is my role at the prison that of a priest?
My friend observed that she thought it would be horrible if I weren't able to do the work that I was ordained to do and she hoped I could still do the "official" stuff.
People blog for different reasons, many for friendship or to become part of a broader social circle. I blog primarily to converse with myself in the hope of reconnecting with my purpose and honoring my destiny. It is also my hope and prayer that as I reflect upon my own journey, those who read this story, in some mysterious way, come closer to understanding their own. Now I've noticed that most blogs, even some very good ones with worthwhile content, go relatively unnoticed. Comments are important to me not because I lust to ascend to a blogger featured page, but because I sincerely appreciate feedback and enjoy reading how my story has connected with yours. This exchange with readers helps me to put the pieces of life's puzzle back together again.
Although there are some dissimilarities, lately I have come to see myself and my story in light of Jesus' parables of the lost in Luke 15. Out of curiousity I ran a search of my own for "prodigal priest" to see if there was anyone else out there on the internet wrestling with the same issues and circumstances. I discovered only one, an episcopal priest deposed for an undisclosed sexual impropriety. But I am not a "deposed" priest. I never abused anyone. My sin was to let aching human loneliness draw me away from the love of the Lord and a ministry I cherished. That line about not knowing what you've got until it's gone - it's true!
I was ordained a diocesan Roman Catholic priest in 1982. I had the privilege of serving four communities in southwestern Michigan as parochial vicar and pastor. In 1989 I was given a difficult assignment which I will reflect upon at another time in another post. For the purpose of this reflection, suffice it to say I gave of myself selflessly and completely until I didn't have anything left inside to give any more. When the evil and ill will of a determined faction bent on waging a holy war to dictate the course of a parish set their sights on good and decent people who had accepted my invitation and encouragement to serve their community in ministry, when in one particular instance a parishioner became so distraught over the situation she sought to take her own life by an overdose of pills, I discovered my limits and experienced burn out that led to my own hospitalization. The extreme loneliness that had been my companion gave a face to the utter emptiness and brokeness I felt at this critical time in my life.
I felt betrayed by the Church I had served and abandoned by a bishop of whom brother priests had spoken often was at his best when showing support of priests in their time of need. In hindsight I remind myself that it was at this time the bishop himself was in the midst of bouncing back from being seriously ill from an unknown malady from a trip overseas. Nevertheless I had given of myself without reservation to everyone I had been called to serve in their need but found no one at my side in my own. Broken and vulnerable, in the midst of my loneliness, despair and isolation, a woman befriended me. I had never known what it was like to have someone seemingly love me more than I loved myself. I didn't feel hurt or empty or lonely any more. That friendship grew as I convalesced and a year later, after much soul searching and prayer, I informally "left" the priesthood to get married.
One of two things happens when a priest gets married. Some priests will seek out laicization. It is important to keep in mind that the Church believes Ordination (Holy Orders), like all the sacraments, imparts an indelible character that forever changes a person. Like the process of annulment in the Church, laicization is a way around this understanding of sacramental grace and indelible character by proving that the sacrament, be it marriage or ordination, never occurred in the first place because of impediments that prevented the imparting of grace. But I, like so many priests who have left active ministry to get married, have never renounced my vows and am not interested in laicization. Once a priest, always a priest. As the ritual itself announces, "You are a priest forever according to the order of Melchizedek ( Hebrews 5:6 )."
And so for priests like me, we continue to love the Lord Jesus, love the Church and are fully committed to lives of service ministering to the broken, the weary and the hungry. At the end of the game show The Weakest Link many years ago, host Ann Robinson, after telling the winner what he or she had just won, would next turn to the loser and announce "And you... just go away." And so it is with married priests. We're still priests... we just "go away"... we disappear. We're no longer acknowledged, cast into exile because we fell in love.
Although there is much more I could reflect upon and share on the topic, it's time to draw this reflection to a close and answer my friend's questions. Ordination was a defining moment for me and not just a chapter from a bygone era in my life. Yes, I am still (and always will be) a priest, albeit officially an inactive one. Despite our desire to the contrary to serve, we are no longer invited by the Church to formally exercise ministry although I, like most, still celebrate mass. I have performed weddings and funerals when asked. My work at the prison is not that of priest although my being a priest can never be separated from anything I do. In the course of interviewing prisoners, many have paused to express their appreciation that I dealt with them in a compassionate and non-judgmental way. My faith and my calling permits me no less.
Finally, my friend later asks, "You were talking about "true love." You had said that you had everything that you wanted with Christ, and yet you were still looking for that one special love. Do you regret your decision to marry?"
Though lonely, I never looked for that someone special. When you are a priest there are lonely women who inevitably come your way to tempt your commitment and play on your vulnerability. I've reflected on this before as another kind of sexual abuse that has never been explored by the Church. Some may wonder why, if Christ is a priest's "enough", would he ever be lonely anyway? Bear in mind in Jesus rests the fullness of God and the fullness of our humanity. Jesus enjoyed an intimacy with God we can only hope may be ours some day in another life. Jesus could have come to earth and lived a cloistered life altogether and fulfilled his mission. Yet he sought out the close friends we call the Twelve. Was it human loneliness of sorts that led him to ask them to follow him into the garden and remain at his side ( see Mark:14 32-34 )?
Do I regret my decision to get married? Honestly? Yes and no... No because I have been gifted with raising two beautiful kids - an adopted son who needed a father's love and a biological daughter... Yes, because the pain and emptiness I feel inside about not being able to actively pastor in the Church is far greater than the pain of either my past loneliness or brokenness... And if you sense that I am torn apart on the inside...
© Copyright 2006 gentlefootprint. All Rights Reserved.
Saturday, October 28, 2006
Saturday, October 21, 2006
You Don't Have To Wait Much Longer
God works in strange and mysterious ways. I came face-to-face with this truth when I interviewed a prisoner a couple of days ago.
You wouldn't want to encounter the likes of inmate "M" on the streets. His body is marked with "13" and "XIII", branding him as a Sureno and he sports a teardrop under his left eye. Influenced by an uncle, his gang affiliation began in San Antonio, Texas, at age 11. His family moved to southwest Detroit where the Surenos and Latin Counts are bloody rivals seeking respect by waging war in the streets. In the past month alone I have seen over a dozen members of these gangs from this area committed to the state prison for violent, gang-motivated crimes including homicide.
On one level I can understand the bitter rivalry. As we approach the back stretch of the midterm elections, I'm reminded how politically polarized we've become. For the time being the electorate seems content to wage its war in the voting booth, but if candidates don't emerge who can speak a unifying language that can bridge our perceived differences and lead us to stand on common ground, red state-blue state and liberal-conservative could become the Hatfields-McCoys. It has been refreshing to see Illinois senator Barack Obama on the cover of Time magazine and speaking on Oprah and Larry King this past week. He is the one politician to come around in a long time who steps away from the polarizing rhetoric and presents issues in an inclusive way.
I guess in the end what is taking place in southwest Detroit, the streets of Bagdad and in the political ads playing on television is a mirror in which we can see our own reflection. Does it make us uncomfortable? When you talk to him, "M" realizes gang culture hasn't been worth the cost. He and his wife lost a 3 month old daughter in the bullet spray of a drive-by shooting into their home a couple of years ago.
"M" is Catholic and my having been ordained a Catholic priest in 1982 lent a spiritual tone to the interview. He related how, despite being happily married and in love with his wife and newborn son, he feels restless inside and had begun to turn to alcohol to escape his pain. There are many ways we go about anesthetizing that restlessness. Until being prescribed Byetta three and a half weeks ago, my personal drug of convenience if not choice or utility was food.
At the end of the interview, after "M" had journeyed down some difficult personal paths with me and shed a few tears, he paused. He looked me in the eye and said, very sincerely, "The Holy Spirit told me to tell you this. You won't have to wait much longer."
Yes, God does work in strange and mysterious ways. Could he have chosen "M" to deliver a message intended for me? Why would he choose a gang member and a convict as his emissary? The funny thing is, the message does speak to me in a number of ways and despite the lips from which it was delivered, I welcomed and needed to hear that message.
© Copyright 2006 gentlefootprint. All Rights Reserved.
You wouldn't want to encounter the likes of inmate "M" on the streets. His body is marked with "13" and "XIII", branding him as a Sureno and he sports a teardrop under his left eye. Influenced by an uncle, his gang affiliation began in San Antonio, Texas, at age 11. His family moved to southwest Detroit where the Surenos and Latin Counts are bloody rivals seeking respect by waging war in the streets. In the past month alone I have seen over a dozen members of these gangs from this area committed to the state prison for violent, gang-motivated crimes including homicide.
On one level I can understand the bitter rivalry. As we approach the back stretch of the midterm elections, I'm reminded how politically polarized we've become. For the time being the electorate seems content to wage its war in the voting booth, but if candidates don't emerge who can speak a unifying language that can bridge our perceived differences and lead us to stand on common ground, red state-blue state and liberal-conservative could become the Hatfields-McCoys. It has been refreshing to see Illinois senator Barack Obama on the cover of Time magazine and speaking on Oprah and Larry King this past week. He is the one politician to come around in a long time who steps away from the polarizing rhetoric and presents issues in an inclusive way.
I guess in the end what is taking place in southwest Detroit, the streets of Bagdad and in the political ads playing on television is a mirror in which we can see our own reflection. Does it make us uncomfortable? When you talk to him, "M" realizes gang culture hasn't been worth the cost. He and his wife lost a 3 month old daughter in the bullet spray of a drive-by shooting into their home a couple of years ago.
"M" is Catholic and my having been ordained a Catholic priest in 1982 lent a spiritual tone to the interview. He related how, despite being happily married and in love with his wife and newborn son, he feels restless inside and had begun to turn to alcohol to escape his pain. There are many ways we go about anesthetizing that restlessness. Until being prescribed Byetta three and a half weeks ago, my personal drug of convenience if not choice or utility was food.
At the end of the interview, after "M" had journeyed down some difficult personal paths with me and shed a few tears, he paused. He looked me in the eye and said, very sincerely, "The Holy Spirit told me to tell you this. You won't have to wait much longer."
Yes, God does work in strange and mysterious ways. Could he have chosen "M" to deliver a message intended for me? Why would he choose a gang member and a convict as his emissary? The funny thing is, the message does speak to me in a number of ways and despite the lips from which it was delivered, I welcomed and needed to hear that message.
© Copyright 2006 gentlefootprint. All Rights Reserved.
Wednesday, October 18, 2006
Where I'm Supposed To Be
From time to time I catch myself in a funk, questioning whether my life has any meaning or purpose. I feel an aching dissatisfaction, that there is so much more inside of me that neither my life nor my circumstances allow me to celebrate, express or give. One of the principles Dr. Wayne Dyer espouses for happiness and peace is to avoid dying with your music still in you. Within each and every one of us is a unique song that only you can sing by the life you lead. But sometimes life doesn't seem to be interested in me singing my song.
When I'm facing the blues I have to remind myself of all those times looking back when it felt like someone somewhere was watching out for me, when luck or fate was actually on my side and I was spared from having to go down very dark or difficult roads. Recalling those occasions renews an appreciation that God does have something special in store for me, even though it doesn't always seem that way.
How cool it would be if each of us could author the unique way we would contribute to life and the world, if each could write his own legacy. Some are given that opportunity but for me, like the vast majority, God has his own ideas. For that reason I have no choice but to keep my focus on cherishing what I have rather than feeling sorry for myself over what is missing. While keeping an open mind, heart and spirit, I will look around and about me for the doors of opportunity to swing wide to let me in. Until then I believe I am right where I'm supposed to be...
© Copyright 2006 gentlefootprint. All Rights Reserved.
When I'm facing the blues I have to remind myself of all those times looking back when it felt like someone somewhere was watching out for me, when luck or fate was actually on my side and I was spared from having to go down very dark or difficult roads. Recalling those occasions renews an appreciation that God does have something special in store for me, even though it doesn't always seem that way.
How cool it would be if each of us could author the unique way we would contribute to life and the world, if each could write his own legacy. Some are given that opportunity but for me, like the vast majority, God has his own ideas. For that reason I have no choice but to keep my focus on cherishing what I have rather than feeling sorry for myself over what is missing. While keeping an open mind, heart and spirit, I will look around and about me for the doors of opportunity to swing wide to let me in. Until then I believe I am right where I'm supposed to be...
© Copyright 2006 gentlefootprint. All Rights Reserved.
Saturday, October 14, 2006
Heaven, Fall & Endings
The sun shines brighter on the other side.
- Sung by Petula Clark in 1967 -
Heaven. The Promised Land. Shangri-la. Throughout the ages human dissatisfaction with the present has stirred a longing for another place where suffering, hardship, defeat and even death are absent. Sometimes that longing becomes the only hope in an existence that seems too cruel, unfair or unbearable. Sadly it is at that point we have, in effect, estranged heaven from earth.
Apparently our space exploration has taught us nothing. There are volumes of awe-inspiring pictures taken from the heavens that capture the intimate relationship enjoyed by heaven and earth. When looking off onto the horizon, how can one not see or imagine a point where earth and heaven actually meet and touch? For me to find that point is to discover the most powerful meaning of the "present." What greater goal could there be for the spiritual journey than to find that bridge?
Seeing heaven and earth as two separate places gives rise to many errors. It leads to the demonizing of the earth and our life upon it. It leads to the overglamorization of heaven where we attribute values and experiences that ought to be sought after here on earth. And, as we witnessed just over five years ago, it permits radicalized Muslims to board planes and bring about mass death and destruction to "get to the other side."
Fall invites and sometimes even urges a reflection on endings but considering the end of anything is an uncomfortable topic of conversation for many. Yet all around us we witness an undeniable transformation. On nature's canvas the life born of spring and nurtured in summer puts on one last splendid display before it enters into its time of rest - to stand naked, silent and still. But isn't the truely miraculous point of it all that next spring the story will be retold, will unfold again, just as it has from age to age?
Nature, the seasons and the renewal of life have taught me not to fear endings at all. Of course there is grief and sadness for we are confronted with the reality that we cannot cling forever to who and what we know and have grown comfortable with. But life is like those leaves we see falling from the trees all around us. People we have grown to love and cherish and the health, success and security we have worked hard an entire lifetime to find or achieve will all eventually fall beyond our grasp as individual leafs letting go of the tree of life we have shared. As the fall and our lifetime progress, we find ourselves increasingly alone and isolated on that tree. It is spiritually imperative that we come to peace with it being alright for us to let go ourselves. Considering how resistant we are to change throughout our lives, it is no surprise whatsoever that we find that letting go so difficult.
As I reflect on heaven, I find great solace in the cyclical pattern of nature. Afterall, since we humans are also part of that nature why would we not also be subject to the pattern of renewal we see displayed before our very eyes each year? From winter's dormancy new life will sprout in the spring. How is that any different from the miracle of child bearing and birth where a new life is born of the dormancy of the womb?
That life continues beyond our death I have no doubt, but what that life may look like has been the fodder of spiritual hope and speculation from the beginning of time. No one, not even the risen Jesus, has returned from the other side to reveal what awaits us. At first that may seem curious or odd but if that picture of heaven were definitively given to us we, being the humans that we are, would either grow impatient with or intolerant of life as we now know it, or would use that image as reason to commit acts to earn or buy our way into it, or would find fault with the ways in which it might fall short of our expectations, or would be incapable of comprehending it altogether anyway.
© Copyright 2006 gentlefootprint. All Rights Reserved.
Friday, June 09, 2006
Abuse, Betrayal of Trust & Learning to Live Again
When my trust has been betrayed, I am likely to find myself resistant to ever trusting again. This can only result in the rest of life being lived out in fear... which is really not living at all. So how do I get beyond past betrayals so that I can begin to trust again?
One of the points that TV's Dr. Phil often makes is that at any given moment in my life, I do (or have done) what I can (or could) within the limits of my knowledge and experience at the time. It is not my fault if my trust has been betrayed and I have found myself hurt, abused or taken advantage of. Regardless of how devastating the hurt or abuse may have been, there is a sense in which what has happened expands my knowledge and experience and empowers me so I am not as susceptible to abuse or my trust being betrayed in the future.
This means that instead of living in debilitating fear that what happened in the past could happen again, I can instead approach life with some degree of confidence knowing that I am smarter and more aware and that leaves me safer and more secure. I don't need to be afraid of lurking ghosts or the shadows from a dark past because my knowledge and experience will allow me to recognize situations or circumstances where I may find myself vulnerable to being hurt or abused.
Perhaps there is also an underlying sense of shame that my abuse has left me tarnished in some way. This may leave me feeling unworthy of living again, of loving and being loved, of deserving good fortune, success or happiness. The one thing I have in common with all, however, is that we are broken souls, damaged goods. It is simply not possible to walk through life unscathed. Circumstances and experiences abound that leave us bruised and scarred. Yet at the same time I have been redeemed. I have value and purpose that no person or thing can ever take away.
So go forth to live and love. You are not bound or fettered by past experiences of abuse. There is no reason to shroud yourself in fear. Rise up and greet the new dawn!
© Copyright 2006 gentlefootprint. All Rights Reserved.
One of the points that TV's Dr. Phil often makes is that at any given moment in my life, I do (or have done) what I can (or could) within the limits of my knowledge and experience at the time. It is not my fault if my trust has been betrayed and I have found myself hurt, abused or taken advantage of. Regardless of how devastating the hurt or abuse may have been, there is a sense in which what has happened expands my knowledge and experience and empowers me so I am not as susceptible to abuse or my trust being betrayed in the future.
This means that instead of living in debilitating fear that what happened in the past could happen again, I can instead approach life with some degree of confidence knowing that I am smarter and more aware and that leaves me safer and more secure. I don't need to be afraid of lurking ghosts or the shadows from a dark past because my knowledge and experience will allow me to recognize situations or circumstances where I may find myself vulnerable to being hurt or abused.
Perhaps there is also an underlying sense of shame that my abuse has left me tarnished in some way. This may leave me feeling unworthy of living again, of loving and being loved, of deserving good fortune, success or happiness. The one thing I have in common with all, however, is that we are broken souls, damaged goods. It is simply not possible to walk through life unscathed. Circumstances and experiences abound that leave us bruised and scarred. Yet at the same time I have been redeemed. I have value and purpose that no person or thing can ever take away.
So go forth to live and love. You are not bound or fettered by past experiences of abuse. There is no reason to shroud yourself in fear. Rise up and greet the new dawn!
© Copyright 2006 gentlefootprint. All Rights Reserved.
Thursday, June 08, 2006
Your Relationship With GOD
MY RESPONSES (AS I ANSWER) WILL BE IN ITALICS
1. Write down in one or two sentences your own definition, feeling and experience of God.
God is the source, center and summit of all life.
2. Which of the following words fit your conception, feeling and/or experience of God.
Father Mother Friend
Protector Beloved Ruler
Judge Spirit Intelligence
Energy Creator Forgiveness
Love Merciful Punishment
Helper Provider Transcendent
Within Above Presence
Kind Fierce All-knowing
Participant Uninvolved Almighty
3. What role does God play (or not play) in your life?
God is a centering force in my life, the One who keeps me focussed on what really matters in life, who makes it possible for me to experience peace, acceptance, love when I am living in harmony with him
4. If you could ask only three questions of God, what would they be?
I'll just focus on trusting instead of asking questions...
5. If you could have God fulfill three specific wishes or requests, what would they be?
I believe that God empowers us to fulfill our own wishes and dreams (even the noblest amd most unselfish of wishes), but it is always up to us to do the work.
6. To identify the ways in which you most need to make peace with God, answer yes or no to the following questions:
* Do you feel you have turned away from God - or that God has turned away from you? At times, but whenever I have found myself wandering off on my own, I am soon reminded of who and what really does matter...
* Do you ever feel unworthy of receiving God's love? No
* Do you sometimes get angry at God? No, I get angry with myself
* Do you ever doubt God's existence? No, but sometime's I wonder whether G-O-O-D exists
* Do you ever feel afraid of God's wrath? No
* Do you ever wonder why God allows evil and suffering to exist? No, God doesn't allow it... humanity does
* Are your spiritual beliefs in conflict with those of your family or your religious heritage? No
* Do you yearn to experience - or reexperience - God's presence? Always
7. Examine Your Spiritual History.
* How would you characterize the way your parents or step-parents felt about God? Probably a blend of hope, faith and superstition
* What did they teach you, explicitly and implicitly, about spirituality? That always at the center of spirituality is love
* In what ways, if any, was your spirituality affected by other family members, e.g. uncles, aunts, siblings, grandparents? It wasn't
* Was God a source of love and joy? Yes
* Was God used to intimidate or shame you, or make you feel sinful or unworthy? No
* What influence, if any, did specific clergy have on your developing attitudes toward God and religion? All the difference in the world. John Grathwohl became my mentor and led me on a path leading to ordination
* Were religious occasions a pleasant, rich experience, or did you resent having to take part? After my conversion, pleasant and rich
* How has your attitude toward God changed in adulthood? It has evolved from what I needed or hoped God to be to acceptance of who and what God is
* Have you come to question any of your early beliefs? Reject them? Disdain them? No
* What were the turning points in your religious or spiritual development? Conversion, ordination, marriage, children, marriage breakup
© Copyright 2006 gentlefootprint. All Rights Reserved.
1. Write down in one or two sentences your own definition, feeling and experience of God.
God is the source, center and summit of all life.
2. Which of the following words fit your conception, feeling and/or experience of God.
Father Mother Friend
Protector Beloved Ruler
Judge Spirit Intelligence
Energy Creator Forgiveness
Love Merciful Punishment
Helper Provider Transcendent
Within Above Presence
Kind Fierce All-knowing
Participant Uninvolved Almighty
3. What role does God play (or not play) in your life?
God is a centering force in my life, the One who keeps me focussed on what really matters in life, who makes it possible for me to experience peace, acceptance, love when I am living in harmony with him
4. If you could ask only three questions of God, what would they be?
I'll just focus on trusting instead of asking questions...
5. If you could have God fulfill three specific wishes or requests, what would they be?
I believe that God empowers us to fulfill our own wishes and dreams (even the noblest amd most unselfish of wishes), but it is always up to us to do the work.
6. To identify the ways in which you most need to make peace with God, answer yes or no to the following questions:
* Do you feel you have turned away from God - or that God has turned away from you? At times, but whenever I have found myself wandering off on my own, I am soon reminded of who and what really does matter...
* Do you ever feel unworthy of receiving God's love? No
* Do you sometimes get angry at God? No, I get angry with myself
* Do you ever doubt God's existence? No, but sometime's I wonder whether G-O-O-D exists
* Do you ever feel afraid of God's wrath? No
* Do you ever wonder why God allows evil and suffering to exist? No, God doesn't allow it... humanity does
* Are your spiritual beliefs in conflict with those of your family or your religious heritage? No
* Do you yearn to experience - or reexperience - God's presence? Always
7. Examine Your Spiritual History.
* How would you characterize the way your parents or step-parents felt about God? Probably a blend of hope, faith and superstition
* What did they teach you, explicitly and implicitly, about spirituality? That always at the center of spirituality is love
* In what ways, if any, was your spirituality affected by other family members, e.g. uncles, aunts, siblings, grandparents? It wasn't
* Was God a source of love and joy? Yes
* Was God used to intimidate or shame you, or make you feel sinful or unworthy? No
* What influence, if any, did specific clergy have on your developing attitudes toward God and religion? All the difference in the world. John Grathwohl became my mentor and led me on a path leading to ordination
* Were religious occasions a pleasant, rich experience, or did you resent having to take part? After my conversion, pleasant and rich
* How has your attitude toward God changed in adulthood? It has evolved from what I needed or hoped God to be to acceptance of who and what God is
* Have you come to question any of your early beliefs? Reject them? Disdain them? No
* What were the turning points in your religious or spiritual development? Conversion, ordination, marriage, children, marriage breakup
© Copyright 2006 gentlefootprint. All Rights Reserved.
Tuesday, June 06, 2006
In Defense Of Marriage & Family - An Editorial
My editorial today is intended more as a spiritual reflection than a political statement. In my view, belief in and faithfulness to God is conscientiously, prayerfully and faithfully living a life in harmony with a seamless array of divinely inspired and ordained values and principles. No political party fully embraces "the things of God" or "the ways of God" and therefore neither are deserving of a vote as the champion of faith. What angers me are those politicians, in this case those in the Republican Party, who openly court as their base a people trying hard to lead faith-filled lives by portraying themselves as their champion... and that "base" blindly and uncritically following these pipers even though the tune they play is wrought with so many contradictions to the very kind of life they are trying faithfully to lead. It is my hope that this editorial stirs people to question these highly suspect, Pharisaic motions and to begin to hold such politicians to higher standards of accountability.
Listening to the news on the radio on the way in to work this morning, I felt heartened that the President and GOP incumbents in the US Senate are focusing on the one issue of major consequence facing the American people today. My marriage has never felt so defended.
Afterall, marriage has been and is under assault. Unless you are born into privilege, it's going to take daddy and mommy each working one or more jobs to meet the financial demands of family. Ever rising gas prices will require finding yet another job in order to put gas in the car for the commute to and from those jobs. But that's okay. All those Americans holding down all those jobs makes for great statistics to run for reelection on - having created all those new jobs and putting America back to work.
And while mommy and daddy are both off to work, thanks to financially strapped school districts and communities inability to provide structured and safe educational and recreational opportunities for youth, the kids have all kinds of time to go home and log onto MySpace to place those personal ads that predators find so enticing. Or maybe they'll take to the street with hats turned and pant legs pegged to the people's left or folk's right for the sense of family that does not exist under their own roof, to the streets where gang-related crime runs rampant because law enforcement too lacks adequate funding so that we can continue to fund all those tax breaks to "keep stimulating the economy."
And if anyone in the family should face serious illness, adequate health care is fast becoming less and less accessible. But have no fear, for our leaders have also rewritten bankruptcy laws in such a way that surely lenders will be more than happy to front you money for which you will spend the remainder of your life in debt trying to repay.
And these reflections don't even begin to look at the kind of America we have and are creating for the least among us (does Matthew 25 matter anyway?).
Excluding gays from the institution of marriage will have a much more profound and lasting influence on strengthening marriage and family than would requiring the love struck from entering into it much more slowly and only after solid preparation. It is much more cost effective to judge or bash homosexuals than it is to give couples real tools to manage the myriad of bumps that make marriage so difficult.
Hats off to Karl Rove. The man's a political genius. He is so adept at knowing how and when to dangle just the right emotionally charged carrot to propel his army to elected posts where they hold the power to pursue whatever their real agenda is. But champion of Marriage and Family? Look again evangelical Christians, and beware.
My question is simple: When will that evangelical conservative base, who is so quick to bite at such political tactics, see through it all and start to hold these people accountable for talking out of both sides of their mouth?
© Copyright 2006 gentlefootprint. All Rights Reserved.
Listening to the news on the radio on the way in to work this morning, I felt heartened that the President and GOP incumbents in the US Senate are focusing on the one issue of major consequence facing the American people today. My marriage has never felt so defended.
Afterall, marriage has been and is under assault. Unless you are born into privilege, it's going to take daddy and mommy each working one or more jobs to meet the financial demands of family. Ever rising gas prices will require finding yet another job in order to put gas in the car for the commute to and from those jobs. But that's okay. All those Americans holding down all those jobs makes for great statistics to run for reelection on - having created all those new jobs and putting America back to work.
And while mommy and daddy are both off to work, thanks to financially strapped school districts and communities inability to provide structured and safe educational and recreational opportunities for youth, the kids have all kinds of time to go home and log onto MySpace to place those personal ads that predators find so enticing. Or maybe they'll take to the street with hats turned and pant legs pegged to the people's left or folk's right for the sense of family that does not exist under their own roof, to the streets where gang-related crime runs rampant because law enforcement too lacks adequate funding so that we can continue to fund all those tax breaks to "keep stimulating the economy."
And if anyone in the family should face serious illness, adequate health care is fast becoming less and less accessible. But have no fear, for our leaders have also rewritten bankruptcy laws in such a way that surely lenders will be more than happy to front you money for which you will spend the remainder of your life in debt trying to repay.
And these reflections don't even begin to look at the kind of America we have and are creating for the least among us (does Matthew 25 matter anyway?).
Excluding gays from the institution of marriage will have a much more profound and lasting influence on strengthening marriage and family than would requiring the love struck from entering into it much more slowly and only after solid preparation. It is much more cost effective to judge or bash homosexuals than it is to give couples real tools to manage the myriad of bumps that make marriage so difficult.
Hats off to Karl Rove. The man's a political genius. He is so adept at knowing how and when to dangle just the right emotionally charged carrot to propel his army to elected posts where they hold the power to pursue whatever their real agenda is. But champion of Marriage and Family? Look again evangelical Christians, and beware.
My question is simple: When will that evangelical conservative base, who is so quick to bite at such political tactics, see through it all and start to hold these people accountable for talking out of both sides of their mouth?
© Copyright 2006 gentlefootprint. All Rights Reserved.
Sunday, June 04, 2006
Pentecost Sunday
Pentecost Sunday. God sharing the animating gift of his spirit, a spirit that was evident over the waters of the abyss at creation and became the very life-breath of humankind. A powerful spirit that transforms us from timidity and apathy to confidence and courage. A spirit that challenges yet comforts and consoles. A spirit that can lead to all truth. For all who seek to "connect with their source," God has made that task easy by living in the Spirit!
From time-to-time we are privileged to know persons whose lives are animated by the Spirit of God. One such person for me celebrates today the 50th Anniversary of his Ordination to the Priesthood. I have written of Jim Barrett here before. It is almost unfathomable how many lives have been touched by Jim in 50 years of ministry. For every person he is aware of having touched there will be several that will remain unknown to him, but touched and touched deeply nonetheless. And that is the way of God's Spirit.
Jim, I was privileged to have begun my own priestly ministry as an intern standing at your side. Our two years together have left me with a lifetime of memories. I cherish your friendship. Congratulations and Godspeed!
© Copyright 2006 gentlefootprint. All Rights Reserved.
From time-to-time we are privileged to know persons whose lives are animated by the Spirit of God. One such person for me celebrates today the 50th Anniversary of his Ordination to the Priesthood. I have written of Jim Barrett here before. It is almost unfathomable how many lives have been touched by Jim in 50 years of ministry. For every person he is aware of having touched there will be several that will remain unknown to him, but touched and touched deeply nonetheless. And that is the way of God's Spirit.
Jim, I was privileged to have begun my own priestly ministry as an intern standing at your side. Our two years together have left me with a lifetime of memories. I cherish your friendship. Congratulations and Godspeed!
© Copyright 2006 gentlefootprint. All Rights Reserved.
Wednesday, May 10, 2006
A Kid's Eye View - Part Two
Teen Heads To Prison For Mom's Stabbing Death
Son Claims He Was On 'Mission For God'
PONTIAC, Mich. -- A Rochester Hills teenager who admitted stabbing his mother to death was sentenced Monday to 25 to 37 ½ years in prison.
As part of a plea agreement, Christopher Dankovich, 16, pleaded guilty to second-degree murder in the April 24, 2005, death of his mother, Diane Michele Dankovich.
"I don't know what else to say to you," Oakland County Circuit Judge John J. McDonald said in court. "You're a young man, and I feel very sorry for you. I hope you get the help you need."
Christopher Dankovich was 15 when his mother was slain in the family's home. He was arrested at his family's cabin in St. Helen, more than 100 miles north of Rochester Hills.
Authorities have said that Dankovich killed his mother after she confronted him about using the Internet to look at pornography and learn how to make weapons.
Dankovich had withdrawn an earlier guilty plea after McDonald rejected a sentencing deal made between his attorney and the prosecutor. McDonald had said then that he could not agree to a 22 ½- to 34-year prison term for Dankovich, who authorities said stabbed his mother 111 times.
At a hearing last week on Dankovich's mental condition, a psychologist testified that the teen believed he was on "mission for God" to kill people who were threatening children, and the intended targets included pornographers, abortion doctors and U.S. Sen. John Kerry, D-Mass., a former presidential candidate.
Because of his age, reception center processing is expedited to get him to a facility that can address his personal safety in a predatory environment as well as begin to meet his programming needs. I interviewed him this morning to complete his classification and take him one step closer to transfer.
This story has tragedy written all over it. This kid was just that... looking more like 13 than 16, he struck me not as a distant psychopathic killer but as a kid in shock, scared and overwhelmed. What he did was absolutely horrendous, yet nothing happens in a vacuum. I often wonder what pieces, what circumstances, what life events fall into place to trigger such an unfortunate episode... not to find excuses, but to understand.
© Copyright 2006 gentlefootprint. All Rights Reserved.
Son Claims He Was On 'Mission For God'
PONTIAC, Mich. -- A Rochester Hills teenager who admitted stabbing his mother to death was sentenced Monday to 25 to 37 ½ years in prison.
As part of a plea agreement, Christopher Dankovich, 16, pleaded guilty to second-degree murder in the April 24, 2005, death of his mother, Diane Michele Dankovich.
"I don't know what else to say to you," Oakland County Circuit Judge John J. McDonald said in court. "You're a young man, and I feel very sorry for you. I hope you get the help you need."
Christopher Dankovich was 15 when his mother was slain in the family's home. He was arrested at his family's cabin in St. Helen, more than 100 miles north of Rochester Hills.
Authorities have said that Dankovich killed his mother after she confronted him about using the Internet to look at pornography and learn how to make weapons.
Dankovich had withdrawn an earlier guilty plea after McDonald rejected a sentencing deal made between his attorney and the prosecutor. McDonald had said then that he could not agree to a 22 ½- to 34-year prison term for Dankovich, who authorities said stabbed his mother 111 times.
At a hearing last week on Dankovich's mental condition, a psychologist testified that the teen believed he was on "mission for God" to kill people who were threatening children, and the intended targets included pornographers, abortion doctors and U.S. Sen. John Kerry, D-Mass., a former presidential candidate.
Because of his age, reception center processing is expedited to get him to a facility that can address his personal safety in a predatory environment as well as begin to meet his programming needs. I interviewed him this morning to complete his classification and take him one step closer to transfer.
This story has tragedy written all over it. This kid was just that... looking more like 13 than 16, he struck me not as a distant psychopathic killer but as a kid in shock, scared and overwhelmed. What he did was absolutely horrendous, yet nothing happens in a vacuum. I often wonder what pieces, what circumstances, what life events fall into place to trigger such an unfortunate episode... not to find excuses, but to understand.
© Copyright 2006 gentlefootprint. All Rights Reserved.
Monday, May 08, 2006
A Kid's Eye View
***WARNING*** Contains graphic references...
Today I ran across the following statement from a 16 year old boy whose high school principal called one of their "invisible kids," having presented "no behavioral, attendance or grade issues to be on anyone's radar." I will put this in context later, but share it here, in segments, for the purpose of discussion, which could go in a number of directions. Does this stir anyone's thoughts like it did my own?
"When I was fourteen, I started reading the Bible a lot, I had some questions about Why Am I Here? What Is My Purpose? And the more I read the Bible, it made sense to me and a lot of things became clear.
My interest in abortion started when my little sister was born and I held her in my arms, it hit me-How can people kill these children? She was the same to me outside of the womb as she was inside, a little, innocent child, dependant on us all for her survival, and I couldn't understand how these doctors could do that.
I started studying anti-abortion on the internet and at the same time I was interested in the military. My friend and I agreed that after graduation, we were going to go into the Marines. I became interested in making guns and learning how to make pipe bombs.
I studied the abortion issue for the past two years and developed a list of doctors that I planned to kill-in order to save who knows how many children's lives. I did not look at killing abortion doctors as murder-I looked at it as stopping them from murdering little, innocent children. I saved the list and several related files on my computer.
I also wanted to stop pedophiles, and needed to find out who the BIG people were in the industry, so that I could stop them too. That's why I downloaded and looked at those child pornography sites, to find out who these people were-I am totally against harming children in any way.
The more I read the Bible, the more I realized that I was a Soldier of God and that it was my purpose to save these children, and I was prepared to go to prison for the rest of my life or die for that cause. Every day and year that I wait, more children would die and I felt that if I got caught after I stopped the first one and went to prison forever, it would be worth it, knowing that I saved the lives of other children.
I also became worried that John Kerry may be elected and because of his stand on the Right To Life issue, I also planned to kill him too, if he became elected. I studied these things, but I wasn't on my computer all day or anything, I don't think I was obsessed with it."
© Copyright 2006 gentlefootprint. All Rights Reserved.
Today I ran across the following statement from a 16 year old boy whose high school principal called one of their "invisible kids," having presented "no behavioral, attendance or grade issues to be on anyone's radar." I will put this in context later, but share it here, in segments, for the purpose of discussion, which could go in a number of directions. Does this stir anyone's thoughts like it did my own?
"When I was fourteen, I started reading the Bible a lot, I had some questions about Why Am I Here? What Is My Purpose? And the more I read the Bible, it made sense to me and a lot of things became clear.
My interest in abortion started when my little sister was born and I held her in my arms, it hit me-How can people kill these children? She was the same to me outside of the womb as she was inside, a little, innocent child, dependant on us all for her survival, and I couldn't understand how these doctors could do that.
I started studying anti-abortion on the internet and at the same time I was interested in the military. My friend and I agreed that after graduation, we were going to go into the Marines. I became interested in making guns and learning how to make pipe bombs.
I studied the abortion issue for the past two years and developed a list of doctors that I planned to kill-in order to save who knows how many children's lives. I did not look at killing abortion doctors as murder-I looked at it as stopping them from murdering little, innocent children. I saved the list and several related files on my computer.
I also wanted to stop pedophiles, and needed to find out who the BIG people were in the industry, so that I could stop them too. That's why I downloaded and looked at those child pornography sites, to find out who these people were-I am totally against harming children in any way.
The more I read the Bible, the more I realized that I was a Soldier of God and that it was my purpose to save these children, and I was prepared to go to prison for the rest of my life or die for that cause. Every day and year that I wait, more children would die and I felt that if I got caught after I stopped the first one and went to prison forever, it would be worth it, knowing that I saved the lives of other children.
I also became worried that John Kerry may be elected and because of his stand on the Right To Life issue, I also planned to kill him too, if he became elected. I studied these things, but I wasn't on my computer all day or anything, I don't think I was obsessed with it."
© Copyright 2006 gentlefootprint. All Rights Reserved.
Wednesday, May 03, 2006
Emotional Healing
One of the reasons I stopped watching shows like Dr. Phil is because they reduce problem solving to following the 2 or 3 easy steps that make up their latest "strategy." While I do not doubt the merit of their intentions, problems aren't always easily categorized. Life is often times complicated and messy. It is never "one size fits all." What may work to resolve issues for a majority of people may not work for me.
It is essential that I never stop believing in myself. No matter how heavy the weight I carry on my shoulders, how troubling the burden, I cannot focus on it without also recognizing that at that very moment I am carrying it! Probably the most important lesson in life I have ever learned is that I am a survivor. No matter how scarey or hopeless or overwhelming or troubling the life circumstances I face, there will eventually come a time when I can look back and say I overcame the obstacles.
Like broken bones, emotional brokeness can take a long, long time to mend. Sometimes there are setbacks. Once in a while a broken bone may even need to be reset in order to heal properly. Feelings are far more fragile than bones. There aren't "casts" or "slings" or "crutches" that I can put on my broken feelings or the scars on my spirit.
Probably more important in the healing process than listening to the most well-intended advice of others is to keep talking about my suffering. Emotional healing is kind of like a foul-smelling room. I have to clean things up and open the windows to get rid of the odor before the room will be clean and fresh again. Talking through my pain and suffering opens the windows and cleans my insides getting rid of the effects of the dark times in my life. When I get cut, I bleed. The bleeding is what cleans the wound and paves the way for the cut to heal. Crying is the way my feelings bleed. It's okay to cry until I can't cry any more.
© Copyright 2006 gentlefootprint. All Rights Reserved.
It is essential that I never stop believing in myself. No matter how heavy the weight I carry on my shoulders, how troubling the burden, I cannot focus on it without also recognizing that at that very moment I am carrying it! Probably the most important lesson in life I have ever learned is that I am a survivor. No matter how scarey or hopeless or overwhelming or troubling the life circumstances I face, there will eventually come a time when I can look back and say I overcame the obstacles.
Like broken bones, emotional brokeness can take a long, long time to mend. Sometimes there are setbacks. Once in a while a broken bone may even need to be reset in order to heal properly. Feelings are far more fragile than bones. There aren't "casts" or "slings" or "crutches" that I can put on my broken feelings or the scars on my spirit.
Probably more important in the healing process than listening to the most well-intended advice of others is to keep talking about my suffering. Emotional healing is kind of like a foul-smelling room. I have to clean things up and open the windows to get rid of the odor before the room will be clean and fresh again. Talking through my pain and suffering opens the windows and cleans my insides getting rid of the effects of the dark times in my life. When I get cut, I bleed. The bleeding is what cleans the wound and paves the way for the cut to heal. Crying is the way my feelings bleed. It's okay to cry until I can't cry any more.
© Copyright 2006 gentlefootprint. All Rights Reserved.
Tuesday, May 02, 2006
Called
Prior to entering the seminary and throughout the course of my studies for the priesthood, my focus was that of discernment, of listening intently for God's voice and trying to determine to what that voice was calling me and where that voice was leading me. The lifestyle of a seminarian allowed me to filter out much of the noise and clutter that bring daily distractions preventing God's voice from being heard. I found that as long as I remained intimately connected to that voice life's journey was never void of meaning and purpose.
Discernment never stops. That voice continues to call me in ever new and often times unexpected ways. Gone are the days when I enjoyed a lifestyle that filtered out the distractions. Now I must listen intently for the voice amidst the day-to-day chaos that is life.
© Copyright 2006 gentlefootprint. All Rights Reserved.
Discernment never stops. That voice continues to call me in ever new and often times unexpected ways. Gone are the days when I enjoyed a lifestyle that filtered out the distractions. Now I must listen intently for the voice amidst the day-to-day chaos that is life.
© Copyright 2006 gentlefootprint. All Rights Reserved.
Wednesday, April 19, 2006
Values - Part 3
So we face the reality that people in partnerships or community experience problems because of a disparity of values. We acknowledge that we are dealing with the reality that to hold something as a value presupposes its non-negotiable status and that no value can be applied universally. This is the stuff that has and continues to fuel discord between peoples and nations. It appears we stand in the face of an unresolvable problem.
Certainly God could solve the dilemma with a single brush stroke by doing away with free will and imposing universal divine values as a condition for the gift of life. But that is not God's way of doing business with us. As beings who reflect God's image and likeness, he has given us the capability of either uniting together under a set of commonly held values or to self-destruct in their absence. We seem to be doing a better job of the latter.
I believe that a big part of the problem is that most people fail to reflect on what they value. Too much of life is spent neither aware of nor in harmony with our values. Instead we blindly follow after our urges and impulses, mistaking them for values.
There is a simple, grassroots solution. In homes all over the world families need to prayerfully reflect on and name the values that identify them. Conscious and conscientious effort on the part of all family members to find ways to live out their values should become an integral part of the daily routine. We need to transform our busy body character so that rather than doing much, we do what we do well. Once this framework is in place, then people entering into partnerships (relationships) and community will begin to recognize that the same values drive us all.
What values identify you and your family? How do the individual members of your family embody these values in their day-to-day activities?
Tuesday, April 18, 2006
Values - Part 2
While values may exist that arguably could be applied to various groups or communities of people (as is the case in some religions, governments, cults or gangs), none appear to be truly universal. Values are essentially determined by the individual based upon whatever perceptive criteria the person has decided, freely or otherwise, to embrace.
Aren't all differences between religions, governments or partners in relationships ultimately an expression of incongruous values? This fact emphasizes how essential the need is to blend or bridge values as a means of bringing peoples together and restoring hope.
How to go about that task poses a conundrum. Something does not become a value unless the willingness to compromise it is removed from the table. How, no, can this problem be solved?
Monday, April 17, 2006
Values
If your life unexpectedly ended this very moment, how would you feel about the life you left behind? Would you be able to look back without regret saying that you enjoyed a happy life, that you did the things that were important to you, that you had the opportunities you needed to love and be loved? Could you say you had the chance to fulfill some of your dreams, that your being here made a difference, that you are leaving behind something of you that will live on?
Prayerfully considering these questions brings us in touch with what we most value. Values may change as we progress through life. A young adult setting out to claim the rest of her life following school may value investments to build equity and lead to financial security. The thirysomething person caught in what is perceived as a deadend job may be willing to risk security to pursue changes that heighten the potential for career success or fulfillment while opportunities and options are still available to him. The fiftysomething or older person who recognizes that more days lie in her wake than lay before her, that realize that no material possession will be of use when life reaches its end, will instead treasure memories and value experiences.
Making the most of the present moment is not possible without knowing what it is we most value. Where are your values? Have they changed as your life has progressed? Can you think of an instance where knowing what you value helped you to make a wise life choice?
Thursday, April 13, 2006
Crying - Part 4
So crying is the purest, most authentic human spiritual experience. Some people are more comfortable with crying than others are. Because crying represents the moment where the limits of human potential or capability are reached and the divine must take over, the ego's need to be in control will not permit such surrender for some. These people are driven by the illusory desire to be the masters of their own destiny. Conventional wisdom and spiritual maturity both teach how deceptive and fruitless such a view can be.
Although my focus has been on crying associated with brokenness or despair, they are not the exclusive domain of our cries. Another moment in the crying of the soul is gratitude. My beloved's acceptance of a marriage proposal, the birth of a child, the unconditional love that animates a family member's comforting hug, the hope and promise of a spectacular sunrise or the utter splendor of a breath taking sunset, the elation over unexpected good fortune - these can all become the occasion for the soul's giving voice to gratitude through our tears.
Can you think of a moment in your own life where your crying were tears of gratitude?
Wednesday, April 12, 2006
Crying - Part 3
How do we respond to the cries of others? If God hears our crying, do we hear the cries of each other? We may look at someone crying and think to ourselves they are being too self-absorbed. They are playing the victim.
"We cannot change what happens to us but we can change how we choose to perceive it or let it affect us," we say. But is this really a healthy approach or just a convenient way for the non-victim to turn a deaf ear to their cries, to not have to deal with the victim's pain or suffering? There are many who continue to cry long after being victimized for no other reason than they lacked a safe, loving and supportive place in which to cry.
Most would see it as absurd to forego any medical intervention for our serious physical ills. In order to heal physically, we must listen to and feel what our body is telling us and respond with appropriate treatment. Changing the way we face physical illness may help us cope, but alone will not heal. Yet we continue to approach emotional difficulties as if they are guided by a different set of principles.
We cannot get over anything when, out of guilt that we have played the victim card too long , we bury our hurt deep within us. It doesn't go away. If instead of having our cry and having our cries heard we have buried our pain or suffering, it will resurface in maladaptive ways. We need to cry and have our cries heard in order to experience their renewing, healing benefits.
Tuesday, April 11, 2006
Crying - con't
Boys aren't supposed to cry. So goes an unwritten rule that is enforced in many a household. President Ronald Reagan, the Gipper known for his John Wayne personna, began a slow cultural shift in the 1980s when he showed that it was okay for a grown man to cry in public.
When we exert ourselves physically, sweat is produced which cools the body's temperature down. Perhaps similarly when the soul cries, tears are produced which also possess a refreshing quality. In the throws of despair, a cry from the soul brings forth a deep, inward peace.
Though it may sound strange, there is more than one way to cry. I was blown away by a counselor's insight a few years back that in my frequent laughter she felt I was really crying. Her observation had a poignancy to it for at the time, despite any outward appearance, I was indeed quite inwardly broken by many things going on in my life. Perhaps that is why we can claim that God hears our cries for there is no way to mask them.
Monday, April 10, 2006
Crying
Out of the depths I cry unto you, O Lord.
O Lord, hear my prayer and let my cry come unto you.
Perhaps there is no purer spiritual experience than that of crying. While disciplines exist as paths to enlightenment and religions carve out paths to salvation, crying is the very voice of the human soul. It's presence is a surrender to the limits of human experience. God is God and we are not and cannot.
When confronted by circumstances that take us to the outermost stretches of human limitation where only God can claim control, our cry is an often desperate bow to faith. It is the only moment in our lives where we recognize and accept, however reluctantly, that we are not in control. Crying places us before God with hands outstretched and palms up to receive that which we are incapable of attaining on our own.
Friday, April 07, 2006
Comfort Zones
I think relationship difficulties (person-to-person or group-to-group) reflect differences in comfort zones. Admittedly I have a wide comfort zone and I have an instinctual tendency to resist being boxed in in any way. I look forward to waking up every day to a truly new day unlike any that has gone before it. I hunger for new discoveries, both within myself and the world about me. For me if life is reduced to repeating predictable patterns, then I don't feel like I have a life at all.
My wife has a very narrow comfort zone. Unfortunately for her the things that made up that narrow comfort zone don't even exist for her any more. Gone is the little boy that she single parented - he is now 27. Gone is the job that allowed her to provide well for her son and her while she was raising him - she is now disabled and medically retired from her job after 17 years working 3rd shift in a cereal factory. Gone is the person that was always in control and exercising from power - she is now a lost and empty shell battling a myriad of mental disorders (diagnosed bipolar, then borderline, then obsessive-compulsive and now major depression) on the crest of every psychotropic medication ever produced. She knows neither how to nor does she wish to survive outside her narrow comfort zone. Her anger makes its ugly way to the surface and bearing the brunt of it are my kids.
Perhaps it is because she has lost so much of her comfort zone that she lives such a narrow and rigid life. There are only a few places she will go out to eat at and when she does she will always order the same thing - a grilled chicken sandwich. She has never cooked - that role has always rested with me - but she is not interested in trying new things. Sometimes I think she is more finicky than my two kids.
The house we live in was her house. She wanted me to give up mine even though we would have found ourselves more financially secure. I can understand wanting to live in your home and can understand the urgency for her as she tries to cling to the only thing that is left from her narrow comfort zone - memories.
How do you or is it even possible to reconcile such radical differences in comfort zones?
© Copyright 2006 gentlefootprint. All Rights Reserved.
My wife has a very narrow comfort zone. Unfortunately for her the things that made up that narrow comfort zone don't even exist for her any more. Gone is the little boy that she single parented - he is now 27. Gone is the job that allowed her to provide well for her son and her while she was raising him - she is now disabled and medically retired from her job after 17 years working 3rd shift in a cereal factory. Gone is the person that was always in control and exercising from power - she is now a lost and empty shell battling a myriad of mental disorders (diagnosed bipolar, then borderline, then obsessive-compulsive and now major depression) on the crest of every psychotropic medication ever produced. She knows neither how to nor does she wish to survive outside her narrow comfort zone. Her anger makes its ugly way to the surface and bearing the brunt of it are my kids.
Perhaps it is because she has lost so much of her comfort zone that she lives such a narrow and rigid life. There are only a few places she will go out to eat at and when she does she will always order the same thing - a grilled chicken sandwich. She has never cooked - that role has always rested with me - but she is not interested in trying new things. Sometimes I think she is more finicky than my two kids.
The house we live in was her house. She wanted me to give up mine even though we would have found ourselves more financially secure. I can understand wanting to live in your home and can understand the urgency for her as she tries to cling to the only thing that is left from her narrow comfort zone - memories.
How do you or is it even possible to reconcile such radical differences in comfort zones?
© Copyright 2006 gentlefootprint. All Rights Reserved.
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