Today's post is born out of frustration over a family member’s six year bout with depression. Frustration hasn’t been a stranger to her either. "When am I going to start to feel better?" she asks, her voice revealing that hope has long been lost. "I sure wish there was a pill I could take to make this all go away." Crippled by a lack of motivation, she lives out her days hiding in bed whenever she can. Three psychiatrists and five psychotherapists later, she lists through life like the sinking Titanic.
Her family figures her husband is to blame. After all, she seemed strong and in control of her life before they met. As her sister tells it, "He has manipulated you to bring you down because he can’t handle you being strong and standing up to him." Her family hasn't a clue. All they see is their daughter, granddaughter, sister and mother who is no longer the strong person she used to be and it tears them apart.
Distancing myself from the impassioned assessments of family, an impartial look reveals a woman in the midst of a mid-life transition that has knocked her off her square. Married just out of high school, life with her first husband took her to Germany for two years. With homesickness ripping her heart apart, she couldn’t handle her husband’s unwillingness to consider returning home. "There just aren’t opportunities for me back home," he would tell her. With all hope dashed that a pregnancy could save her marriage she returned home, alone with child. For 20 years she lived the life of a single parent working full time 3rd shift to purchase a house and very adequately provide for her son, an only child. She was a strong woman, even heroic for all she had accomplished.
At the time her current husband entered her life, she found herself imprisoned by an empty nest, her now twenty something son taking flight to find his own life. Without her son to provide for anymore, there was no longer an inherent purpose to her getting up to work 3rd shift. Disability and medical retirement soon followed.
She would tell you she would freeze her relationship with her son as well as with her parents and siblings in time if she could. Today when she looks at her son, his wife and their newborn, emotionally she still pictures the grade school child dependent on his mother’s love and care. Until she has gone through the grief work associated with her loss, her investment will never be where it belongs - with her husband, their life together and pursuing their dreams.
Contrary to her family's belief, it’s not the poor husband's fault. He has stood valiantly and patiently beside her. In one respect, he too is a victim of her depression and her inability to invest herself in their life together. Even though six years have come and gone without relief, a solution is not as distant as it may seem. I hunch healing has been so elusive because a psychological solution was sought to what was and is a spiritual problem.
Even though the ego tries to get me to identify myself by what I have or what I do, I’ve come to appreciate that life simply cannot be defined in terms of possessions or circumstances because neither are permanent. In order to find a solid foundation for life I must look deep within, to my very heart and soul, to discover who I really am. Although I can elicit the help of a spiritual guide, I am the only one who can see that deep inside me. Only there will I find an identity that cannot be compromised by a loss of possessions or changes in circumstance. This heart, spirit and soul identity gives me a real strength to counter the influence of the ego enabling me to live life with freedom, fulfillment and happiness.
© Copyright 2005 gentlefootprint. All Rights Reserved.
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