The Moment of Death

My time to be here nears its end. I have faced trials, hardship and disease and have fought a good, hard fight and given my all. I have endured pain and suffering beyond imagination. But no matter how brave, how noble, how determined, in the end it is not up to me to determine how long will be this season called life.

I know the end is near. I'm scared. My departure is like walking down a darkened street alone. I am saddened. I have no choice but to let go of loved ones, friends, interests, hobbies, treasured moments, my as yet unfulfilled dreams. I am hopeful that when I breathe my last the lights don't go out for good, that something of me remains and continues, that my life and my time here has made a difference, that things are not what they would have been had I never been here. I can only hope that what awaits me is even more beautiful, more satisfying, more fulfilling, more free.

Why must death be so final and total? Is it because I cannot enter into what lies ahead with any ties to where I came from? Or is it because this life, this season must relinquish its hold on me so that who and what I am can truly be free and set out to discover its ever deeper destiny?

My eyes are open and I can see what is going on around me, loved ones touching me, holding me and speaking their love to me. I see their tears. Although my imminent death's finality makes it a sad occasion, they have gathered to send me off. Even though they do not want to let go they are wishing me well. They are giving to me that part of them that I touched to take with me on my journey.

But my vision grows dim and what I see before me blurs, beyond that I begin to see images I had not noticed before. I cannot see it clearly, but it is more beautiful than the most spectacular sunrise or sunset I have ever seen. Beyond the desperation and frustration and turmoil of those immediately about me there is a stillness, a softness, a calm that I find myself drawn toward. I hear a song that I have heard before, not on any radio but the faint whisper of a tune that has played before from within. It is such a beautiful song, so soothing. It lifts something deep within me and frees me from the grips of my pain and suffering.

My breathing has become more difficult, more desperate, more labored and those about me are concerned, but it causes me no discomfort and I'm not afraid of suffocating. As my breaths diminsh, the vision beyond draws nearer and I find more and more of me lifted into its soft presence. Unexplainedly I have begun to leave my body and am being welcomed into a new home in the warm, comforting and inviting light. My body can no longer swallow, or is it perhaps because I no longer am conscious of the need to swallow or any other need for that matter? My breaths, now fewer and farther between, pass through fluids that build up in my throat creating an eerie rattle that alarms those around me. As if in desperation they draw closer to me, frustrated that there is nothing they can do now to save me. I wish I could assure them that I am not hurting like I used to, I am not in discomfort. Although I cannot quite focus on what my eyes see opening up before me just beyond those who still attend to my broken, failing body, it undeniably draws me closer. Where in the past I usually feared the unknown, I find nothing at all alarming about what I see. If this is death, it does not approach as one watches a storm draw near in the midst of an ominous sky.

Rare in life was the depth of comfort and peace that now embraces me. In a lifetime of falling asleep, I was used to closing my eyes and entering into a world of darkness. But now I find myself falling asleep not in darkness, but in the most beautiful and serene light I could ever imagine. The peace I now feel within me allows me to be restful in a way my pain and suffering would never allow. I am growing sleepy now, but I no longer fear not waking up. Something inside me knows and accepts that when I do I will not open my eyes to see my loved ones, my home or my life again, not in the same way.

As I grow more and more sleepy and find myself nodding into sleep, I feel myself lifted fully into the light now. Below me a nurse listens intently to my chest shaking her head no when she no longer detects a heartbeat or breathing. She steps aside and tells my family they only have 2 or 3 more minutes. One by one my family approachs my lifeless body to plant one last kiss, to share one last word.

Thank you for your love and your words, my beloved ones! I too love you, but I am no longer inside the body you cling to. I am up here watching over you. It is going to be okay. I feel free now. I am still here but am not bound by the limits of that broken, lifeless body you mourn. My spirit soars as if with wings and I am eager and excited to see what awaits me. But for now I must rest, entering one last sleep. I am not afraid. I am alive!

Copyright 2006 Don Neale, Jr.
All rights reserved.